Wow
So I’m not at home for a couple weeks.
Or I’m at home, depending on how you look at it.
I went to my parent’s house, because I’m sick.
I’ll be back in the city where I’ve chosen to make my path in a couple of weeks, when I’ve healed, but for now I need to let my body recover.
It’s interesting to me that the first thing that happened, last night when I came here, was that I was given a compliment. My mother told me I’ve lost a lot of weight. I instantly became body-conscious again. It was nice of her to say. I know she didn’t mean anything other than a simple compliment by it. I know she wasn’t saying anything mean. But I instantly felt measured.
Today, I am uncomfortable in my skin. Slightly dissociated, feeling uncomfortable, feeling not-me. Feeling the need to bind, like I’m supposed to be something other than I am. No one is even around right now. I’m just curled up in a blanket writing, and I’m still just uncomfortably aware of the lumps of fat hanging off my pectoral muscles.
For the past two weeks, I’ve barely given my physical form a thought, unless I’ve been engaged in flirting with an attractive lady. Today, it’s THERE, present, forcing itself into my awareness, demanding attention, demanding resolution, taunting me with wrongness.
It’s weird. I don’t know what to make of it. What do you make of it?
It sounds to me almost like you went to your parents’ house because you felt like you had to, like you were backed in a corner, and so as soon as you were there, out of the comfort zone, away from the place you chose to go, you became more conscious of the flaws your parents (mother) makes you see. It sounds like that one comment set off a chain of thoughts about your body and what feels of looks wrong about it to you. I think it all boils down to how you see yourself. A comment can be brushed aside unless part of you thinks there’s some truth or relevance to it.
I think when we are around certain people, we are instantly drawn back into the past…into past feelings/patterns…and we know we don’t fit into their lives…their world. So we work to let ourselves just be ourselves.
I always seemed to feel that way when I went home to visit on holidays. But, just knowing it was temporary, I decided to find the good…enjoy my siblings, etc., and try to let the negative stuff stay in the past. Knowing it was just temporary helped me make it through.
I don’t think you have to make anything of it…I hope you can just rest, get well, enjoy your siblings, write, read, etc.
HUGS!
Reblogged this on transgenderinformation.
Look and listen at this, I do when those feelings comes to haunt me, and it makes me feel better again.
Brightest love, Ditzy Rainbow
Thanks